God's TQM


God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.
In order to better serve your needs, he asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

1. How did you find out about your deity?
   __ Newspaper
   __ Bible
   __ Torah
   __ Television
   __ Book of Mormon
   __ Divine Inspiration
   __ Dead Sea Scrolls
   __ My Mama Done Tol' Me
   __ Near Death Experience
   __ Near Life Experience
   __ National Public Radio
   __ Tabloid
   __ Burning Shrubbery
   __ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model deity did you acquire?
   __ Jehovah
   __ Jesus
   __ Krishna
   __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
   __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
   __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
   __ Allah
   __ Satan
   __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
   __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
   __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
   __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order
   and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
   __ Yes
   __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply.
   __ Not eternal
   __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
   __ Not omniscient
   __ Not omnipotent
   __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
   __ Permits sex outside of marriage
   __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
   __ Makes mistakes
   __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
   __ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people
   __ Looks after life other than that on Earth (particularly that galaxy in Virgo that's full of Jews)
   __ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
   __ Requires burnt offerings
   __ Requires virgin sacrifices

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
   Please indicate all that apply.
   __ Indoctrinated by parents
   __ Needed a reason to live
   __ Indoctrinated by society
   __ Needed focus in whom to despise
   __ Imaginary friend grew up
   __ Hate to think for myself
   __ Wanted to meet girls/boys
   __ Fear of death
   __ Wanted to piss off parents
   __ Needed a day away from work
   __ Desperate need for certainty
   __ Like organ music
   __ Need to feel morally superior
   __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
   __ Shit was falling out of the sky
   __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?
   Please indicate all that apply.
   __ Baal
   __ The Almighty Dollar
   __ Left Wing Liberalism
   __ The Radical Right
   __ Amon Ra
   __ Beelzebub
   __ Bill Gates
   __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
   __ The Great Spirit
   __ The Great Pumpkin
   __ The Sun
   __ The Moon
   __ Cindy Crawford
   __ Elvis
   __ A burning shrub
   __ Other: _____________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
   Please indicate all that apply.
   __ Tarot
   __ Lottery
   __ Astrology
   __ Television
   __ Fortune cookies
   __ Ann Landers
   __ Psychic Friends Network
   __ Dianetics
   __ Palmistry
   __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
   __ Self-help books
   __ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
   __ Biorhythms
   __ Alcohol
   __ Bill Clinton
   __ Tea Leaves
   __ EST
   __ Amway
   __ CompuServe
   __ Mantras
   __ Jimmy Swaggert
   __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
   __ Human sacrifice
   __ Pyramids
   __ Wandering around a desert
   __ Insurance policies
   __ Burning shrubbery
   __ Barney T.B.P.D.
   __ Barney Fife
   __ Other: _____________
   __ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level
   of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
   a. More Divine Intervention
   b. Less Divine Intervention
   c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
   d. Don't know… what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
   Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
   (1=unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

   a. Disasters:
   1 2 3 4 5 flood
   1 2 3 4 5 famine
   1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
   1 2 3 4 5 war
   1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
   1 2 3 4 5 plague
   1 2 3 4 5 Spam
   1 2 3 4 5 AOLers

   b. Miracles:
   1 2 3 4 5 rescues
   1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
   1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
   1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
   1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
   1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
   1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever

9. From time to time God makes available the names and addresses of his followers
   and devotees to selected divine personages who provide quality services and perform
   intercessions in his behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?

   __ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul
   __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for my money

10.Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
   (Attach an additional sheet if necessary).

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