Quips & Queries


Why are people who eat junk 'food' so surprised to learn that they have been eating, well, junk? (and then deny all personal responsibility by blaming the producers instead of refusing to buy the stuff?)

Even as a teenager, I was always too old (as in "If it's too loud …").

Why do people with mobile phones always leave them somewhere else? (Hint : key word = 'mobile')

If rectums don't have taste-buds, why do enemas have different flavours?

Why is it that having been charged an extortionate price to enter a cinema, I'm then expected to sit in the equivalent of someone else's front room and listen to them slurp milk-shake, crunch pop-corn with their mouths open, munch smelly burgers, talk and joke with their mates, shout to their deaf friends who have called on a mobile phone, and in general ruin the experience for everyone but themselves? Just my age showing: I'm so old-fashioned I used to go to cinemas to watch films!

The only thing statistics can prove is that statistics can prove anything.

Why do people who claim they "know what you're really thinking" always have middling jobs rather than raking in money by playing casinos?

Listed building = larger bribe required for demolition.

What with Feng Shui on one hand and E-rays on the other, just where is one supposed to put one's furniture?

The only time a politician tells the truth is when they say "I want you to vote for me".

Why do people say they want to meet an alien life-form when even simple terrestrial things such as reptiles, arachnids, and insects freak them out? Would they even recognise this alien if they saw it?

Do people who believe in magic and witchcraft truly want the world to be as portrayed in, for example, Buffy and The X Files, where people can be murdered simply by chanting a few words or poking a doll with pins, dead bodies (whether complete or patched together from bits) can be reanimated, and entire other worlds of demons exist?

Who is the Politically Correct moron who decided to further massacre the English language and have everyone write 'his / hers' & 'him / her' & 'he / she' instead of 'theirs' & 'their & 'they'?

If there is no 'I' in team, why are individuals blamed when the team fails?

Why do people thank their god for helping them get out of a mess, thereby ignoring all the people who did, but never accuse him of not preventing them getting into the mess to begin with? Oh, right: it's a 'test'.

Just because it's old doesn't mean it's worth keeping – just because it's new doesn't mean it's better.

Why do countries who are continually engaged in wars either with themselves or their neighbours demand everyone else feed their starving population which they are themselves responsible for creating, and could easily feed if they spent their time, money, and resources, on people instead of militaristic posturing and warfare?

All music is noise – not all noise is music.

Why is someone old enough at 15 or 16 to commit murder, but not be named in reports of their trial? (sniff, "Didn' know what I woz doin', honest, gov." sheds a tear for the gallery and parents ("'E loved 'is gran, 'e did, and woz good wiv dogs.")

People who cannot behave as guests when visiting someone's home have no right to object when they are not treated like guests.

I still can't decide which is worse :
1> the amount of puerile drivel currently on TV;
2> the number of people who enjoy it;
3> the majority of viewers not even knowing that it is puerile drivel.

Why can't 'joy-riders' kill only themselves after they've stolen someone else's car and gone racing through the streets, thereby doing everyone a favour and removing themselves from the gene-pool? Instead, they usually crash into an innocent pedestrian and kill or maim them as well.

Post-modern deconstructionalism: po-faced dogma that asserts that because 'reality' is constructed from descriptions, descriptions are text, and texts are fiction, that any and all descriptions of 'reality' are equally valid, though no one has yet tried to prove this by jumping out of a window to demonstrate that gravity is an artificial construct. Note the quotes around 'reality' are mandatory, to signify it isn't actually there, but only exists as a projection of the viewer.

Why do people eagerly await e-mail messages regarding their web-sites from strangers on the other side of the world, yet refuse to speak to strangers standing next to them at the bus-stop?

Definition of progress? (1)
Problem : collecting fallen leaves during autumn.
Solution 1 : create a broom or rake from natural products and give yourself some exercise.
Solution 2 : use a noisy petrol-powered blower that annoys dozens of neighbours for a couple of hours.

Why do people who live in areas recently devastated by a natural disaster (and especially those in less affluent countries who can least afford to waste their resources) decide not to rebuild their hospitals first, not to reorganise their communications or transportation infrastructure, but to rebuild their churches so they can pray to the same god who ignored their previous prayers for protection?

Trust is for people who have nothing to lose.

Why do people who smoke pipes think themselves so superior to mere cigarette smokers, when their cloying stench (sorry, aromatic scent) attaches itself to the hair and clothes of everyone they come into contact with? And why do those who smoke cigars & cheroots think they're so cool (man)? Does nicotine addiction affect the olfactory sense or do these people genuinely not know their breath / clothes / skin stink like old ashtrays, or do they know but just don't care?

Definition of progress? (2)
Problem : keeping people warm on a platform as they wait for a train.
Solution 1 : build a brick shelter with a door and, inside, a radiator near some wooden benches.
Solution 2 : replace the shelter with three sheets of glass that don't touch the ground so snow whirls around your feet, surrounding a perforated metal bench that freezes your bum.

To all those people who for years complained "why aren't we more like the Americans?", we now have fast-food ('food' in the loosest possible sense) and coffee franchises spreading like a virus, fatties wobbling everywhere, primary-school children brain-washed to fight over other people's names in their clothing, teenagers killing one another because of an illegible piece of wall-scrawl whose only 'meaning' is "i woz ere an im tuff", armed car-jackings, shoot-outs between rival drugs gangs that spill over into high-streets and take over housing estates, more state-sponsored religious schools than ever before in opposition to an overall decline in general belief, and governments on sale to the highest or loudest bidder. Welcome to the 52'nd state.

Who was the moron who started the thankfully short-lived fad of saying the opposite of what you meant, waiting for everyone to look puzzled, then laughing and shouting childishly, "Not!". I mean, wow, that's just so funny. Not! This may not be as modern a phenomena as I first thought, for in reading a wonderful collection of Windsor McCay's Little Nemo In Slumberland, the character of Flip used it as an abbreviation of "I should think not!" to qualify something said earlier.

Active listening : not hearing a word the other person is saying because you're too busy interrupting them with "I see", "Uh-huh", "Yes", "Of course", "Really?", and a host of other pointless banalities.

Why is it that people whose idea of enjoying themselves is to make a lot of noise always assume that those people who don't want to make a lot of noise cannot enjoy themselves?

Given that the U.S. President is usually called the 'Leader Of The Free World' and treated as such by leaders of other countries who let him behave as if here were, why are only residents of the U.S. entitled to vote during elections that affects citizens of 'The Free World'?

Why do people who make a lot of noise and ignore their victims' pleas for moderation always complain when they are themselves victims of other people's noise?

If it is accepted practise for some people to give money to buskers whose music they like or wish to listen to, why is it not also permissible to take money from those buskers whose music you do not like and who force you to listen to their racket whilst waiting for a train?

Why have fireworks changed from the "ah, isn't it pretty" variety to the "oh, another bang halfway across the city" type?


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