Q: What do you call a media-whore who gets into a car with a drunk driver and doesn't bother to do up their seat-belt?
A: Diana.
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
I have a spelling checquer
It came with my pea sea
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure real glad two no
It's vary polished in it's weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me awl stiles two reed
And aides me when aye rime.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare
Their are know faults with in my site
Of nun eye am a wear.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to be a joule
The checker poured o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
That's why aye brake in two averse
By righting wants too pleas
Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas.
Answering Machine At The Mental Hospital :
Hello. Welcome to the mental health hotline.
Q: What would Marilyn Monroe be doing today if she were still alive?
A: Screaming and clawing at the lid of her coffin.
Pam received a parrot for her birthday. The parrot was fully-grown, with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Pam tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music and anything she could think of. Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird. The bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird just got madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Pam put the bird in the freezer and shut the door. For a few moments she heard the bird squawking and kicking and then suddenly there was quiet. Pam was frightened that she may have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Pam's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." Pam was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused the change when the parrot continued: "Might I ask what the CHICKEN did?"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as Hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying. One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The attendant apologises and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do. The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?" "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied. He continued, "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around."
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must work in Management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
A tourist walked into a pet shop in and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be £5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars, why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage "That one's even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a project manager."
The SAS had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the SAS instructor took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The instructor said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The instructor said, "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the blood from her brow and said, "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the bastard to death with the chair."
SEVENTY-TWO VIRGINS - STEVE MARTIN - 20070122
Virgin No. 1: Yuck.
Virgin No. 2: Ick.
Virgin No. 3: Ew.
Virgin No. 4: Ow.
Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!
Virgin No. 6: I'm Becky. I'll be legal in two years.
Virgin No. 7: Here, I'll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!
Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first?
Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?
Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, "Like, what are you doing here?," and I go, "I'm hangin' out," so he goes, "Like, what?" . . .
Virgin No. 11: First you're going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate.
Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home!
Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?
Virgin No. 14: I'm eighty-four. So what?
Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Virgin No. 16: Even I know that's tiny.
Virgin No. 17: "Do it"? Meaning what?
Virgin No. 18: I'm saving myself for Jesus.
Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel.
Virgin No. 20: Don't touch my hair!
Virgin No. 21: I hope you're not going to sleep with me and then go sleep with seventy-one others.
Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller?
Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed?
Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, "Could I see you in my office, Miss Witherspoon?"?
Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck!
Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot?
Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums?
Virgin No. 28: It's so romantic here, dead.
Virgin No. 29: Well, I'm a virgin, but my hand isn't.
Virgin No. 30: You are in?
Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain.
Virgin No. 32: I'm a virgin because I'm so ugly.
Virgin No. 33: You like-ee?
Virgin No. 34: I'll betcha you can't get an erection. Go on, impress me. C'mon, show me. Show me, big shot.
Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven "virgin" has a slightly different meaning. It means "chatty."
Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend.
Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend.
Virgin No. 38: I'm Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot.
Virgin No. 39: It's a lesion, and, no, I don't know what kind.
Virgin No. 40: I'm Jewish. Why do you ask?
Virgin No. 41: Hi, I'm Becky. Oh, whoops-you again.
Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! Camping is so great! Can we go camping sometime?
Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, I'm a single mom.
Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift.
Virgin No. 45: When you're done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is.
Virgin No. 46: I'm almost there. Just another couple of hours.
Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit.
Virgin No. 48: No, you've got it wrong. We're in the Paradise Casino.
Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, it's late.
Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. And after this is over I'm going to find one.
Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, "move a little"?
Virgin No. 52: Not now, I'm on my BlackBerry.
Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave.
Virgin No. 54: We've been together twenty-four hours now, and, you know, sometimes it's O.K. to say something mildly humorous.
Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins.
Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No?
Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know it's not me.
Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.
Virgin No. 59: Did you know that "virgin" is an anagram of Irving?
Virgin No. 60: First "Spamalot," then sex.
Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised.
Virgin No. 62: Was that it?
Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a motorcycle, but instead I got you.
Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob.
Virgin No. 65: They're called "adult diapers." Why?
Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in Düsseldorf for money.
Virgin No. 67: I'm just Virgin No. 67 to you, right?
Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis?
Virgin No. 69: Condom, please.
Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa.
Virgin No. 71: I'm not very good at this, but let's start with the Reverse Lotus Blossom.
Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up.
During a recent ecumenical gathering, a bellboy rushed in shouting, "The hotel is on fire!" What did the participants do? The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed. The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?" The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings. The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil. The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage. The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass by. The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!" The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!" The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out. The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire. The Presbyterians appointed a chairman who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report. The humanist grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out the fire.
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, 'I need you to change the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I cannot change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Jesus keeps waiting for his father in heaven for a long time in vain. One day he decides to do the gatekeeping to meet the old man as soon as possible. He goes to the gate, says "Hey Pete, want to rest for a while?" After some time, this very old, decrepit man shows up. Jesus asks him his name. He can't remember. Jesus asks him what he used to do. He says he thinks he used to be a carpenter. Jesus begins to get excited. He asks the guy if he ever had a son. The old man thinks for a while, then says "Yes, but for some reason I keep thinking that he had nails in his hands and feet." Jesus is, by this time, crying with joy. He catches his breath, looks at the old man, and says "Father!" The old man looks back at him, smiles, and says "Pinocchio!"
A pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain - with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally, the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle flying in one direction and breaking both his legs. As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear be a Christian." Suddenly, the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to eat"
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "Whats wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this? "The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
During torrential rain, a flood forces a man to climb onto the roof of his isolated house. Being a true believer, he waits for a sign, and waits, and waits, and waits. A couple of hours later, by which time the water has reached the first floor, a boat passes and the people huddled together call out to him to join them, but he calls back "No thanks, God will save me." They go on their way and the man waits and waits and waits, by which time the water has reached the bottom of the roof, and a second boat passes by, but again he refuses their offer of help and says "God will save me." Another hour later and he's clinging to the chimney as the house begins to be swept away by the raging waters, when he suddenly notices a rope ladder dangling beside him. He looks up and sees a helicopter hovering overhead, with the pilot beckoning frantically with his free hand to climb the ladder, but the man shakes his head with a smile and shouts up. "Go away, God will save me." The helicopter flies away, and not long afterwards the water sweeps the house from beneath the man, who soon drowns. Standing in line to heaven, he finally reaches the gates and sees God behind the gates. "Why did you let me die?" He calls out in anger. "All my life I believed in you, and you let me die!" God frowns for a moment, presumably trying to remember which one of his many worshippers the man is, then replies with a mixed tone of surprise and frustration "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, and you're trying to say it's my fault?"
Two nuns have just arrived in America and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs. 'The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood-thirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!" There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay… NOW you're screwed."
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be women. He said this person will cook for you-and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night, to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked, "What would a woman like this cost me? God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
A Jew, an Arab and a glamour model were sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Jerusalem. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel. As it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, the model and the Jew were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Arab had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Arab was thinking: 'The Jewish fella must have kissed the model and she missed him and slapped me instead. The model was thinking: 'The Arab fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Jew and got slapped for it. And the Jew was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap the Arab bastard again.'
Christ is on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary Magdalene when he hears in a faint voice, "Peter… Peter… " Peter said to Mary, "I must go and help my Saviour." And he went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears, "Peter… Peter" in even fainter tones, and he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill leans a ladder against the cross, and is halfway up when the Centurions knock over the ladder, beat him brutally, and toss him back down the hill. Again he hears, "Peter… Peter…" ever fainter, and he cannot sit idle. He staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Christ says, "Peter… Peter… I can see your house from here."
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls is out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were WHITE and surrounded by beautiful women." ***POOF*** The Arab is turned into a Tampax. The moral of the story is: If an Arab does business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.
A Muslim was killed in a car accident and arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven," The Muslim says, "Nice to meet you Peter, but I'm a Muslim and I want to meet Muhammad." St. Peter says, "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad." The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses. Moses says, "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven." The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, its such an honour to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad." Moses says, "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad." The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, but he can't see anything except bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks, "Who are you?" The figure responds, "I am God. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven." God walks over and shakes his hand. The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak. He says to God, "Sir, it is such an honour to meet you, I can't believe it, this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad." God says, "Oh. You're here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem. Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?" The Muslim says, "I would love a cup of coffee." God yells into the kitchen, "Hey Muhammad, two coffees!"
A cabby picks up a Nun as a fare. He decided to see if he can embarrass her. The cabby says, "Sister, what do Nuns think about oral sex." The sister replies, "A lot has changed in the church. We tend to think of oral sex about the same way as masturbation. It's only acceptable as long as it doesn't violate the tenets of marriage." The cabby decides to press on, "Sister, what do you personally know about oral sex?" The sister replies, "I have read about various techniques, but I am a little shy on practice!" The cabby senses an opportunity. "Sister, how would you like to practice on me?" The Sister answers, "Well, you must be Catholic and single." The cabby replies, "Yes Sister, I am." So they pulled off the road, the driver moves to the back, and the Nun gives him the most incredible oral sex he has ever had. The exhausted cabby moves back to the front of the car and starts driving. He finally has to speak, "Sister, that was the best I've ever had, but I have to tell you something. I am actually Jewish and I'm married!" To which the Nun replies, "That's OK my son. My name is Greg and I'm on my way to a costume party."
A catholic priest was going about his business one-day when he realized that he had to take confession that day. Normally this would not be a problem, but unfortunately he had already made other plans. He tried all the other priests in the parish, but they were all busy. Finally, he called an old rabbi friend of his. "Please," the father said, "you have to take confession for me today! I'll write all the sins down on a list and all the penance's, and all you have to do is look up whatever the people tell you!" Reluctantly, the rabbi agrees. All was going well until, about halfway through the day, a lady walks into the confessional. "Forgive me, Father," she says, "but I had anal sex last night." The rabbi looks on the list and starts to panic. It's not there!! The rabbi leans out of the confessional and sees an altar boy walking by. The rabbi calls the altar boy over and says, "Quickly, what does the Father give for anal sex?" The altar boy looks at the rabbi and says, "I'm not sure. I usually get milk and cookies, but some of the older boys get cash."
While playing golf, the man finds a corked bottle on the green. Upon opening it, a genie appears and grants the fellow one wish. After thinking about it for a while, the man says, "I'd like to shoot par golf regularly." "No problem," says the genie, "But understand that your sex life will be greatly reduced as a side effect." "I can handle that," the man says, and POOF, the deed is done. Several months later, the genie reappears on the same golf hole and asks the man how his golf game is doing. "Fantastic!" says the man; "I'm now carrying a scratch handicap." "And what effect has it had on your sex life?" the genie inquires. "I still manage to have relations 2-3 times a month," the fellow answers calmly. "2-3 times a month," the genie says, "That's not much of a sex life." "Well," the fellow responds, "I don't think it's too bad for a middle-aged priest with a very small parish."
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 14 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says; "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you do mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."
3 Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash. The pilot says, "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them." The lawyer says, "Fuck the Boy Scouts!" The priest replies, "Do we have time?"
The old Pope dies and, naturally, goes to Heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour of the establishment, he's told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient, original texts of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. For ages, his scholarly studies keep him quietly absorbed, until one day, all of a sudden there comes an almighty scream from the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering despairingly, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside, offers him comfort and enquires what has distressed him so. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' - the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10." One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?" Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you fucking people ever think of?
As the sun is setting, Jesus enters an inn, throws three nails onto the counter, and inquires, "Can you put me up for the night?"
Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
Man: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
"But God, why did you make her so dumb?"
"So she would love you."